Things You Don't Realize About Grief

There are many things that you don't realize about grief until you actually experience it. At first it goes completely as planned with the Kübler-Ross model (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). You go through all those steps, usually multiple times. Other things aren't so obvious. Such as:

#1. Grief is Awkward

Before Doreen died, I could say things about my sister without making myself or others feel uncomfortable. And people could speak freely of their own sister as well. Now if I bring up Doreen, I feel like people are put in a situation where they either feel uncomfortable or they feel they need to be understanding of my grief by giving me a knowing look or hug. I can no longer say that Doreen did something without it creating a pause, no matter how small. Even if it's only in my head, it's still there. If your sister is living, such statements go without further examination, but not if your sister is dead.

Before Doreen died, I didn't get hugs from my boss...well, not very many. He didn't meet me at Applebees with a plant and ask questions about the family she left behind. I am lucky to have a boss who cares about me, but it's still awkward.

If someone hasn't died, most likely your out-of-office reply on your e-mail means you're on vacation. It's awkward when co-workers and customers assume you were on vacation and when they ask about it you have to tell them that you were on bereavement leave.

It's WAY more awkward when people avoid you than when they approach you and attempt to comfort you. They never know what to say, mostly because there's nothing TO say that would make you feel better, but even if they say something stupid it is still less awkward than pretending you don't exist.

It's also awkward to be constantly comforted. It's awkward to receive cards, calls, messages, flowers, meals...it all makes me feel needy, but it also makes me feel loved. It's healing when you can graciously accept love and acts of service from people who love you, but it's still awkward to accept charity and to feel the pity of others.

#2. There is a lot of guilt

I have few regrets about my relationship with Doreen, but there is still guilt whether it's logical or not. Why didn't I tell her to go to the hospital? Why wasn't I more concerned when she said she wasn't feeling well? Am I so selfish that I was only focused on my own problems? Why did I think it was no big deal that she thought she had an ulcer? Aren't ulcers serious enough for me to care about? Why did I move to Baltimore? I could've been there at the hospital with her if I wasn't so far away. I would've made it there before she died. I could've kept on top of the hospital staff and I would've known that something bad was happening just by looking at her. Why didn't I try to call and talk to her in her hospital room? I had a BBQ at my house that evening and was tired after cleaning up. Why didn't I read up more on Bariatric Surgery so I could remind her that she shouldn't wait to get help if anything was out of the norm. Why didn't I help her keep her weight down? Why did I make pies, quiche, pancakes and other unhealthy foods for her when she visited? I should've only made healthy food. Maybe I encouraged her to over-eat while she was here by making foods which are difficult to resist.

The guilt attacks from both sides. I also feel it when I'm happy. Why am I laughing with friends or enjoying my baby? I should be sad because my sister just died. It has only been 2 weeks. Surely I should be mourning longer than that.

#3- It renews itself

Just when you feel like you're in a good place, something happens that starts it all over. This year it will be the 4th of July (She was here last year), when Benjamin starts crawling, then walking, when Doreen's 40th b-day comes up, when Olivia's 7th b-day comes up, when Benjamin's 1st b-day comes up, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve/Day. It will all be clouded by the lack of her presence. Events where you would normally be celebrating will be terribly sad because she's not there. And then it will start over in 2012. Every first holiday will be the worst, and each year should get a little easier...but only a little at a time. And then it will hit you harder than expected every once in a while. It will take a very long time to quit grieving. I'd say a good 15 years, unless another young person dies in the meantime (please no!). I was just making peace with losing my father 12 years ago when this happened. I feel destined to be depressed.

#4- You realize most things are really unimportant

There was a customer who was a real ass to me via e-mail and telephone over a very minor problem he was having. He was grossly exaggerating the inconvenience he was experiencing from a problem that was not caused by me, yet holding me personally accountable for it and even attempted to get me in trouble. And other people continue to bicker about the stupidest things with their loved ones. In general people care about really stupid things. I want to tell them but I don't want to get on a soap box and make it awkward for them to be around me. Especially since I was worried about the same things 2 weeks ago. That one saying is very true. You really should be nicer than you have to be, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle.

I'm sure there are other things most people don't realize about grief, but these are the only ones I can think of right now.