Christmas Cards

Is it just me, or does it seem like people are sending fewer cards this year. I suppose it's just as well. Over the weekend I burst into tears upon opening one to find a handwritten note saying they hoped I had a wonderful year. It struck me so hard. Had they not heard? Maybe they just forgot....or, was it possible that I did have a wonderful year?

It's a choice between defining my year as terrible because of the loss of my precious sister, or defining it as wonderful because of all the beautiful first moments with my son. It was definitely wonderful at times, but always cruelly conflicting.

I'm just so angry how it all went down. I can't grieve the way I want to for my sister because there's just not time. Yet it eventually flows out in the form of a spontaneous breakdown, once at the dentist, but usually while digging through my crafting supplies. I constantly find things and it astonishes me just how intertwined our lives were, and how that can be yanked away at any damn time.

I took the time to write a little belated Thank You in a few of my Christmas cards. It was hard for me to acknowledge the kindness I'd been shown at the time, and is still difficult now. I can barely muster the energy to wish people a Merry Christmas, so I cut down my mailing list to the bare bones, and even those recipients didn't get much more than a "Love, Jessica, Dave and Benji". I just don't have much to say that people want to read in their Christmas cards right now. And it's entirely too painful to consider whether or not 2011 was wonderful.