Saturday, December 17, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Christmas Cards
Is it just me, or does it seem like people are sending fewer cards this year. I suppose it's just as well. Over the weekend I burst into tears upon opening one to find a handwritten note saying they hoped I had a wonderful year. It struck me so hard. Had they not heard? Maybe they just forgot....or, was it possible that I did have a wonderful year?
It's a choice between defining my year as terrible because of the loss of my precious sister, or defining it as wonderful because of all the beautiful first moments with my son. It was definitely wonderful at times, but always cruelly conflicting.
I'm just so angry how it all went down. I can't grieve the way I want to for my sister because there's just not time. Yet it eventually flows out in the form of a spontaneous breakdown, once at the dentist, but usually while digging through my crafting supplies. I constantly find things and it astonishes me just how intertwined our lives were, and how that can be yanked away at any damn time.
I took the time to write a little belated Thank You in a few of my Christmas cards. It was hard for me to acknowledge the kindness I'd been shown at the time, and is still difficult now. I can barely muster the energy to wish people a Merry Christmas, so I cut down my mailing list to the bare bones, and even those recipients didn't get much more than a "Love, Jessica, Dave and Benji". I just don't have much to say that people want to read in their Christmas cards right now. And it's entirely too painful to consider whether or not 2011 was wonderful.
It's a choice between defining my year as terrible because of the loss of my precious sister, or defining it as wonderful because of all the beautiful first moments with my son. It was definitely wonderful at times, but always cruelly conflicting.
I'm just so angry how it all went down. I can't grieve the way I want to for my sister because there's just not time. Yet it eventually flows out in the form of a spontaneous breakdown, once at the dentist, but usually while digging through my crafting supplies. I constantly find things and it astonishes me just how intertwined our lives were, and how that can be yanked away at any damn time.
I took the time to write a little belated Thank You in a few of my Christmas cards. It was hard for me to acknowledge the kindness I'd been shown at the time, and is still difficult now. I can barely muster the energy to wish people a Merry Christmas, so I cut down my mailing list to the bare bones, and even those recipients didn't get much more than a "Love, Jessica, Dave and Benji". I just don't have much to say that people want to read in their Christmas cards right now. And it's entirely too painful to consider whether or not 2011 was wonderful.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
$500
I can't sleep because I'm torturing myself over a time when Doreen came to me and asked to borrow $500. I agreed to loan it to her, but not without lecturing her about it first. I gave her the spiel that would've made Suze Orman proud. It was something like, "$500 is a lot of money for me. I'm going to loan it to you because I believe you're going to pay me back, but this is an uncomfortable situation for me and I don't want you to ask me again." It wasn't those exact words, but the message was along those lines. Why didn't I just say yes and leave it at that? I should've just given her the money. It had to be hard for her to come to me, and she likely knew the judgemental response she'd get. She was desperate and I probably made her feel so small.
I'm sorry for all the things I did that weren't very nice. They're coming back to haunt me now.
I'm sorry for all the things I did that weren't very nice. They're coming back to haunt me now.
Monday, June 27, 2011
July is Looming
I don't want June to be over. Doreen was alive for 11.5 days in June, but no days in July. She's slipping away too quickly, and I'm trying to grasp tightly every memory, lest I forget the tiniest detail.
Keeping it Real
There are lots of times these days when I catch myself zoning out. Often I'm fantasizing about talking to my sister or dreaming of ways to lessen my sadness. I think about taking a pill that would dull my senses, but then I remember I can't take pills because I'm breastfeeding. It would be so handy to just have a magic wand.
What I realized today is that if I had a magic wand that would remove all my sadness, then I'd be left with a bunch of guilt for not being sad. I'd rather be sad than guilty about not being sad. At least that wouldn't shake up my whole perception of myself.
But if anyone has a magic wand that would make me skinnier or richer, I would still be interested in that.
What I realized today is that if I had a magic wand that would remove all my sadness, then I'd be left with a bunch of guilt for not being sad. I'd rather be sad than guilty about not being sad. At least that wouldn't shake up my whole perception of myself.
But if anyone has a magic wand that would make me skinnier or richer, I would still be interested in that.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Letters to Benjamin
Dear Benjamin,
You lost a very special person this month. Your aunt Doreen died suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving us all with unanswered questions and unfinished business. Doreen loved you and her other niece and nephews so much. The last time we saw her was at a truck stop while we passed each other on the road. She was driving back home after meeting Aisha and we were driving back home after visiting Grandma Gigi for her birthday. I'm so glad we stopped and took pictures that day. In fact it's so strange that we took photos at a truck stop, but it is now a very treasured last memory for us.
Doreen drove all the way from Michigan to meet you when you were 5 days old. She came again in April to be your nanny for a week so that I could continue to work and we wouldn't have to leave you with a babysitter. She brought your cousins Annalisa, Olivia and your Uncle Rob and we all had such a wonderful time together. It was during that week we all went to your first Orioles Game (Orioles vs. Tigers at Camden Yards). Doreen didn't have a lot of money but she bought you one of your favorite toys and your favorite pajamas and bibs. She also started a very nice scrapbook for you. She had made 5 pages already.
When she was here, she taught you how to spit. Your father and I were not pleased at the time. I guess it didn't fit into our vision of our perfectly well-behaved and polite son, but it all seems so petty now. Everyone else thought it was hilarious and cute. Every time she changed your diaper she would ask, "Do you need a new butt? One that don't stink?" and we would all laugh.
She loved all the cute photos that were taken of you. She would print them out and hang them up at work. Her favorite was the photo taken of you and your cousins Ahmed and Abdullah on the tiny couch in their apartment in New York City. It made her laugh every time she looked at it. There weren't very many pictures taken of you and her together, but the ones we have are so precious. You can tell just by her facial expression how much she completely adored you. Whenever I called her she would ask, "How's my nephew?".
You lost someone very important when Doreen died. I will make sure to tell you all about her as you get older so that you grow up knowing her and knowing her love for you.
Love,
Mom
You lost a very special person this month. Your aunt Doreen died suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving us all with unanswered questions and unfinished business. Doreen loved you and her other niece and nephews so much. The last time we saw her was at a truck stop while we passed each other on the road. She was driving back home after meeting Aisha and we were driving back home after visiting Grandma Gigi for her birthday. I'm so glad we stopped and took pictures that day. In fact it's so strange that we took photos at a truck stop, but it is now a very treasured last memory for us.
Doreen drove all the way from Michigan to meet you when you were 5 days old. She came again in April to be your nanny for a week so that I could continue to work and we wouldn't have to leave you with a babysitter. She brought your cousins Annalisa, Olivia and your Uncle Rob and we all had such a wonderful time together. It was during that week we all went to your first Orioles Game (Orioles vs. Tigers at Camden Yards). Doreen didn't have a lot of money but she bought you one of your favorite toys and your favorite pajamas and bibs. She also started a very nice scrapbook for you. She had made 5 pages already.
When she was here, she taught you how to spit. Your father and I were not pleased at the time. I guess it didn't fit into our vision of our perfectly well-behaved and polite son, but it all seems so petty now. Everyone else thought it was hilarious and cute. Every time she changed your diaper she would ask, "Do you need a new butt? One that don't stink?" and we would all laugh.
She loved all the cute photos that were taken of you. She would print them out and hang them up at work. Her favorite was the photo taken of you and your cousins Ahmed and Abdullah on the tiny couch in their apartment in New York City. It made her laugh every time she looked at it. There weren't very many pictures taken of you and her together, but the ones we have are so precious. You can tell just by her facial expression how much she completely adored you. Whenever I called her she would ask, "How's my nephew?".
You lost someone very important when Doreen died. I will make sure to tell you all about her as you get older so that you grow up knowing her and knowing her love for you.
Love,
Mom
Things You Don't Realize About Grief
There are many things that you don't realize about grief until you actually experience it. At first it goes completely as planned with the Kübler-Ross model (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). You go through all those steps, usually multiple times. Other things aren't so obvious. Such as:
#1. Grief is Awkward
Before Doreen died, I could say things about my sister without making myself or others feel uncomfortable. And people could speak freely of their own sister as well. Now if I bring up Doreen, I feel like people are put in a situation where they either feel uncomfortable or they feel they need to be understanding of my grief by giving me a knowing look or hug. I can no longer say that Doreen did something without it creating a pause, no matter how small. Even if it's only in my head, it's still there. If your sister is living, such statements go without further examination, but not if your sister is dead.
Before Doreen died, I didn't get hugs from my boss...well, not very many. He didn't meet me at Applebees with a plant and ask questions about the family she left behind. I am lucky to have a boss who cares about me, but it's still awkward.
If someone hasn't died, most likely your out-of-office reply on your e-mail means you're on vacation. It's awkward when co-workers and customers assume you were on vacation and when they ask about it you have to tell them that you were on bereavement leave.
It's WAY more awkward when people avoid you than when they approach you and attempt to comfort you. They never know what to say, mostly because there's nothing TO say that would make you feel better, but even if they say something stupid it is still less awkward than pretending you don't exist.
It's also awkward to be constantly comforted. It's awkward to receive cards, calls, messages, flowers, meals...it all makes me feel needy, but it also makes me feel loved. It's healing when you can graciously accept love and acts of service from people who love you, but it's still awkward to accept charity and to feel the pity of others.
#2. There is a lot of guilt
I have few regrets about my relationship with Doreen, but there is still guilt whether it's logical or not. Why didn't I tell her to go to the hospital? Why wasn't I more concerned when she said she wasn't feeling well? Am I so selfish that I was only focused on my own problems? Why did I think it was no big deal that she thought she had an ulcer? Aren't ulcers serious enough for me to care about? Why did I move to Baltimore? I could've been there at the hospital with her if I wasn't so far away. I would've made it there before she died. I could've kept on top of the hospital staff and I would've known that something bad was happening just by looking at her. Why didn't I try to call and talk to her in her hospital room? I had a BBQ at my house that evening and was tired after cleaning up. Why didn't I read up more on Bariatric Surgery so I could remind her that she shouldn't wait to get help if anything was out of the norm. Why didn't I help her keep her weight down? Why did I make pies, quiche, pancakes and other unhealthy foods for her when she visited? I should've only made healthy food. Maybe I encouraged her to over-eat while she was here by making foods which are difficult to resist.
The guilt attacks from both sides. I also feel it when I'm happy. Why am I laughing with friends or enjoying my baby? I should be sad because my sister just died. It has only been 2 weeks. Surely I should be mourning longer than that.
#3- It renews itself
Just when you feel like you're in a good place, something happens that starts it all over. This year it will be the 4th of July (She was here last year), when Benjamin starts crawling, then walking, when Doreen's 40th b-day comes up, when Olivia's 7th b-day comes up, when Benjamin's 1st b-day comes up, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve/Day. It will all be clouded by the lack of her presence. Events where you would normally be celebrating will be terribly sad because she's not there. And then it will start over in 2012. Every first holiday will be the worst, and each year should get a little easier...but only a little at a time. And then it will hit you harder than expected every once in a while. It will take a very long time to quit grieving. I'd say a good 15 years, unless another young person dies in the meantime (please no!). I was just making peace with losing my father 12 years ago when this happened. I feel destined to be depressed.
#4- You realize most things are really unimportant
There was a customer who was a real ass to me via e-mail and telephone over a very minor problem he was having. He was grossly exaggerating the inconvenience he was experiencing from a problem that was not caused by me, yet holding me personally accountable for it and even attempted to get me in trouble. And other people continue to bicker about the stupidest things with their loved ones. In general people care about really stupid things. I want to tell them but I don't want to get on a soap box and make it awkward for them to be around me. Especially since I was worried about the same things 2 weeks ago. That one saying is very true. You really should be nicer than you have to be, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle.
I'm sure there are other things most people don't realize about grief, but these are the only ones I can think of right now.
#1. Grief is Awkward
Before Doreen died, I could say things about my sister without making myself or others feel uncomfortable. And people could speak freely of their own sister as well. Now if I bring up Doreen, I feel like people are put in a situation where they either feel uncomfortable or they feel they need to be understanding of my grief by giving me a knowing look or hug. I can no longer say that Doreen did something without it creating a pause, no matter how small. Even if it's only in my head, it's still there. If your sister is living, such statements go without further examination, but not if your sister is dead.
Before Doreen died, I didn't get hugs from my boss...well, not very many. He didn't meet me at Applebees with a plant and ask questions about the family she left behind. I am lucky to have a boss who cares about me, but it's still awkward.
If someone hasn't died, most likely your out-of-office reply on your e-mail means you're on vacation. It's awkward when co-workers and customers assume you were on vacation and when they ask about it you have to tell them that you were on bereavement leave.
It's WAY more awkward when people avoid you than when they approach you and attempt to comfort you. They never know what to say, mostly because there's nothing TO say that would make you feel better, but even if they say something stupid it is still less awkward than pretending you don't exist.
It's also awkward to be constantly comforted. It's awkward to receive cards, calls, messages, flowers, meals...it all makes me feel needy, but it also makes me feel loved. It's healing when you can graciously accept love and acts of service from people who love you, but it's still awkward to accept charity and to feel the pity of others.
#2. There is a lot of guilt
I have few regrets about my relationship with Doreen, but there is still guilt whether it's logical or not. Why didn't I tell her to go to the hospital? Why wasn't I more concerned when she said she wasn't feeling well? Am I so selfish that I was only focused on my own problems? Why did I think it was no big deal that she thought she had an ulcer? Aren't ulcers serious enough for me to care about? Why did I move to Baltimore? I could've been there at the hospital with her if I wasn't so far away. I would've made it there before she died. I could've kept on top of the hospital staff and I would've known that something bad was happening just by looking at her. Why didn't I try to call and talk to her in her hospital room? I had a BBQ at my house that evening and was tired after cleaning up. Why didn't I read up more on Bariatric Surgery so I could remind her that she shouldn't wait to get help if anything was out of the norm. Why didn't I help her keep her weight down? Why did I make pies, quiche, pancakes and other unhealthy foods for her when she visited? I should've only made healthy food. Maybe I encouraged her to over-eat while she was here by making foods which are difficult to resist.
The guilt attacks from both sides. I also feel it when I'm happy. Why am I laughing with friends or enjoying my baby? I should be sad because my sister just died. It has only been 2 weeks. Surely I should be mourning longer than that.
#3- It renews itself
Just when you feel like you're in a good place, something happens that starts it all over. This year it will be the 4th of July (She was here last year), when Benjamin starts crawling, then walking, when Doreen's 40th b-day comes up, when Olivia's 7th b-day comes up, when Benjamin's 1st b-day comes up, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve/Day. It will all be clouded by the lack of her presence. Events where you would normally be celebrating will be terribly sad because she's not there. And then it will start over in 2012. Every first holiday will be the worst, and each year should get a little easier...but only a little at a time. And then it will hit you harder than expected every once in a while. It will take a very long time to quit grieving. I'd say a good 15 years, unless another young person dies in the meantime (please no!). I was just making peace with losing my father 12 years ago when this happened. I feel destined to be depressed.
#4- You realize most things are really unimportant
There was a customer who was a real ass to me via e-mail and telephone over a very minor problem he was having. He was grossly exaggerating the inconvenience he was experiencing from a problem that was not caused by me, yet holding me personally accountable for it and even attempted to get me in trouble. And other people continue to bicker about the stupidest things with their loved ones. In general people care about really stupid things. I want to tell them but I don't want to get on a soap box and make it awkward for them to be around me. Especially since I was worried about the same things 2 weeks ago. That one saying is very true. You really should be nicer than you have to be, because everyone is fighting some sort of battle.
I'm sure there are other things most people don't realize about grief, but these are the only ones I can think of right now.
Quiche Doreen
Today I made a new type of quiche and all I could think about was how much Doreen would've liked it and how sad I was that she would never taste it. I loved when she would come to Baltimore to visit me. I would plan meals in advance and I'd always ask for her input on what to make for her and the girls. I loved that she enjoyed my cooking and had her favorite dishes. She would request some different things each time, but she always requested my quiche. Today I made one with a homemade hash brown (not the frozen ones) crust. I was quite pleased with the way it turned out. I will make it again and tweak it a little each time until I've perfected it. That's the way I roll with all my favorite recipes. But she will never eat it and that is painful to me. I'd like to name it Quiche Doreen but I will never know if she would prefer the hash brown crust or the flakey tart crust I usually make.
Everytime something new happens it will be bittersweet because Doreen won't be there to see it, try it, make fun of it or talk about it on the phone.
Everytime something new happens it will be bittersweet because Doreen won't be there to see it, try it, make fun of it or talk about it on the phone.
Sometimes I Really Hate That Life Goes On...
Somedays I can't stand that people post status updates on facebook saying how great their day was or how they can't wait for this weekend because it will be the best ever. Didn't they just see that my sister died? How dare they have a happy birthday or enjoy a night out. My world came to a screeching halt and theirs just goes on like it always did.
At other times it's comforting.
Benjamin needs me to get up and take care of him. He needs to be fed, clothed, bathed and played with all day. Dave can't do it all. Taking care of Benjamin makes me happy because if you've ever seen him, you know it's impossible not to smile around him. He helps me wade through my grief because he forces me to get up and have a purpose every day. Without him, I imagine it would take so much longer to make peace with my grief because I'd just stay in bed all day and cry.
Seeing those posts on facebook also gives me hope that I will soon be back to posting the good things in my life and that one day I will be truly excited about something again.
At other times it's comforting.
Benjamin needs me to get up and take care of him. He needs to be fed, clothed, bathed and played with all day. Dave can't do it all. Taking care of Benjamin makes me happy because if you've ever seen him, you know it's impossible not to smile around him. He helps me wade through my grief because he forces me to get up and have a purpose every day. Without him, I imagine it would take so much longer to make peace with my grief because I'd just stay in bed all day and cry.
Seeing those posts on facebook also gives me hope that I will soon be back to posting the good things in my life and that one day I will be truly excited about something again.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
March 14th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
When I graduated from the University of Michigan with a bachelors degree in chemistry, my graduate student mentor, Andrea Frost, gave me a coffee mug as a gift. It was a beautiful blue mug with the university seal engraved in it. I liked the mug very much and I always drank from it. I had it for over 10 years!
Just the other day I was telling your Grandma Gigi all about the mug, how I got it, and how much I treasured it. The very next day I broke it. Can you believe my luck? I was making tea in it. As I squeezed the extra tea from the tea bag, the string broke and my hand flew into the mug, knocking it to the ground. What a mess! The mug shattered, sending shards and hot tea across the floor. Gigi ran for the broom while I picked up the big pieces and mopped up the tea. I swept up the smaller pieces and within 5 minutes, when the whole mess was cleared, I began a new cup of tea. I felt a twinge of disappointment, but quickly decided not to let it upset me.
Why am I telling you this? The point is that things break. Don't put too much stock into things. It's okay to like something, but if it breaks, you'll do best to simply pick up the pieces and move on.
You are my real treasure,
Mom
When I graduated from the University of Michigan with a bachelors degree in chemistry, my graduate student mentor, Andrea Frost, gave me a coffee mug as a gift. It was a beautiful blue mug with the university seal engraved in it. I liked the mug very much and I always drank from it. I had it for over 10 years!
Just the other day I was telling your Grandma Gigi all about the mug, how I got it, and how much I treasured it. The very next day I broke it. Can you believe my luck? I was making tea in it. As I squeezed the extra tea from the tea bag, the string broke and my hand flew into the mug, knocking it to the ground. What a mess! The mug shattered, sending shards and hot tea across the floor. Gigi ran for the broom while I picked up the big pieces and mopped up the tea. I swept up the smaller pieces and within 5 minutes, when the whole mess was cleared, I began a new cup of tea. I felt a twinge of disappointment, but quickly decided not to let it upset me.
Why am I telling you this? The point is that things break. Don't put too much stock into things. It's okay to like something, but if it breaks, you'll do best to simply pick up the pieces and move on.
You are my real treasure,
Mom
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feb 14th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
Thanks so much for the Valentine and box of chocolates. I must say I was very impressed to receive it. You are only three months old and already a very thoughtful son. How did you get the money to buy it? Nevermind, that's a rude question. I'm just thankful to receive it. I know it wasn't from your father because we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It just seems silly to us. If you celebrate love all year long, Valentine's Day becomes redundant.
XOXO,
Mom
Thanks so much for the Valentine and box of chocolates. I must say I was very impressed to receive it. You are only three months old and already a very thoughtful son. How did you get the money to buy it? Nevermind, that's a rude question. I'm just thankful to receive it. I know it wasn't from your father because we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It just seems silly to us. If you celebrate love all year long, Valentine's Day becomes redundant.
XOXO,
Mom
Feb 16th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
I found a woman today whose baby needs more milk than she can make. Since I make plenty for you, I volunteered to pump an extra bottle or two a day to give to her. I hope you don't mind sharing your milk. Breastmilk is a priceless gift that mothers give their children. Unfortunately, not every woman has an easy time with breastfeeding. I've been blessed with more milk than you can drink. And I believe when you are blessed with a special gift, you should use it to bless others. Your life will be richer if you give of yourself to others, and the world will be a better place for your kindness.
Love you bunches,
Mom
I found a woman today whose baby needs more milk than she can make. Since I make plenty for you, I volunteered to pump an extra bottle or two a day to give to her. I hope you don't mind sharing your milk. Breastmilk is a priceless gift that mothers give their children. Unfortunately, not every woman has an easy time with breastfeeding. I've been blessed with more milk than you can drink. And I believe when you are blessed with a special gift, you should use it to bless others. Your life will be richer if you give of yourself to others, and the world will be a better place for your kindness.
Love you bunches,
Mom
Monday, February 14, 2011
Feb 15th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
You are so stinkin' cute. It's unreal. Your smile is so big and bright - it cracks me up. You've started to laugh now and it melts everyone's heart. Your Grandma Gigi has gotten so many awesome pictures of you. I haven't even taken any this month because she has taken so many that I don't need to. She is staying with us this month so that I can return to work and not have to leave you with a babysitter. You are so blessed to have her. She loves you so much and will be heartbroken when she has to go back to Michigan in two weeks. I imagine she's going to be visiting Baltimore a whole lot. Sometimes she's a little spastic and you get fussy because you just want some peace and quiet--so I'm sorry I don't always save you. She just loves you so much that I let her hold you as much as she wants. She's doing way more good than harm and she always figures out what you want eventually. She tirelessly walks you around the house, sings songs, and acts silly just to make you smile. You bring us all such joy. It seems like our whole goal in life these days is just to make you smile.
Love you so much,
Mom
You are so stinkin' cute. It's unreal. Your smile is so big and bright - it cracks me up. You've started to laugh now and it melts everyone's heart. Your Grandma Gigi has gotten so many awesome pictures of you. I haven't even taken any this month because she has taken so many that I don't need to. She is staying with us this month so that I can return to work and not have to leave you with a babysitter. You are so blessed to have her. She loves you so much and will be heartbroken when she has to go back to Michigan in two weeks. I imagine she's going to be visiting Baltimore a whole lot. Sometimes she's a little spastic and you get fussy because you just want some peace and quiet--so I'm sorry I don't always save you. She just loves you so much that I let her hold you as much as she wants. She's doing way more good than harm and she always figures out what you want eventually. She tirelessly walks you around the house, sings songs, and acts silly just to make you smile. You bring us all such joy. It seems like our whole goal in life these days is just to make you smile.
Love you so much,
Mom
Feb 13, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
Last night, while rocking you to sleep in your nursery, I broke down in tears thinking of all the children in this world who will never know the safe, warm and loving home that you have. All children deserve to be loved, and I feel so incredibly helpless to know that many of them are being mistreated and I can't stop it. Some day I'm going to have to warn you about people who hurt children, and teach you not to talk to strangers. But not yet. Right now things are just so simple and perfect. Your needs are so basic and I can provide them all. Your father is a little jealous of me because at this stage of your life, you need me the most. That will change very soon, but for now I'm loving it.
My protective mothering instincts have really shocked me, by the way. I have gone from being a virtual pacifist to feeling like I could rip someone's head off if they even tried to hurt you. It's pretty incredible, but maybe in some crazy way my mind believes if I protect you a whole bunch, it's like I'm protecting those other children as well. How am I ever going to teach you how to be a man when I don't even want to let you leave the house without me? I guess I have some time to figure that out.
All my love,
Mom
Last night, while rocking you to sleep in your nursery, I broke down in tears thinking of all the children in this world who will never know the safe, warm and loving home that you have. All children deserve to be loved, and I feel so incredibly helpless to know that many of them are being mistreated and I can't stop it. Some day I'm going to have to warn you about people who hurt children, and teach you not to talk to strangers. But not yet. Right now things are just so simple and perfect. Your needs are so basic and I can provide them all. Your father is a little jealous of me because at this stage of your life, you need me the most. That will change very soon, but for now I'm loving it.
My protective mothering instincts have really shocked me, by the way. I have gone from being a virtual pacifist to feeling like I could rip someone's head off if they even tried to hurt you. It's pretty incredible, but maybe in some crazy way my mind believes if I protect you a whole bunch, it's like I'm protecting those other children as well. How am I ever going to teach you how to be a man when I don't even want to let you leave the house without me? I guess I have some time to figure that out.
All my love,
Mom
Monday, February 1, 2010
New Year Resolutions 2010
Here are mine:
1) Lose weight and get healthy (duh!)
2) Give up potato chips for 1 year....this one is going to take a miracle but I've got one month down.
3) Pay off my credit card (again, for the bazillionth time)
4) Go to bed at 10pm during the week (this one needs work)
There are other things that I'm working on in my life with regards to becoming a better person, wife, and mom to my kitties, but those are perpetually ongoing. I try to only make new year resolutions which have measureable results. So far, I'm making good progress with these.
Did you make any? How are you coming on them?
1) Lose weight and get healthy (duh!)
2) Give up potato chips for 1 year....this one is going to take a miracle but I've got one month down.
3) Pay off my credit card (again, for the bazillionth time)
4) Go to bed at 10pm during the week (this one needs work)
There are other things that I'm working on in my life with regards to becoming a better person, wife, and mom to my kitties, but those are perpetually ongoing. I try to only make new year resolutions which have measureable results. So far, I'm making good progress with these.
Did you make any? How are you coming on them?
January Results
In January, I lost 10.2 pounds and lowered my BMI from 32.4 to 30.9. I've worked out 6 times every week, including 1 workout per week with my trainer, Tiffany. The other workouts have mainly been Body Pump classes, low impact aerobics and the elliptical machine. I ran on the treadmill once, but my knees make it difficult to do high impact activities. They seem to be better when I wear my knee brace. My goal is to be able to run someday. A marathon seems way too distant, in more ways than one, but I'd like to be able to at least train for one someday. Even if it has to be on a treadmill and not pavement.
During my workouts with Tiffany, she has me running sprints, running up the stairs, doing jump-squats, all sorts of squats and lunges, push-ups, pull-ups, planks, lifting weights, kettle bells, mountain climbers, etc., etc., etc. I'm learning a lot and getting stronger. Even Dave notices my biceps and triceps popping up. During my solo morning workouts, the hardest part is getting up and suiting up. I still struggle with the temptation of skipping, but I've adopted a "Just do it" attitude and clear my head of all thoughts when that happens. I find that the more I think, the more likely I am to give in to my laziness. So I try not to think as much as possible.
As for my diet, it's the strangest thing. I've noticed that I can eat pretty much whatever I want and still lose weight. Notice I didn't say "as much as" I want. I still count calories and eat mostly healthy food. I set my calorie target for 1600, but I've been averaging 1305 calories a day. Calories can be hard to estimate sometimes, so I try to listen to my body cues over anything else. This last week was challenging foodwise, because I had to eat at least one meal outside the home 5 days out of 7. But I found out that I can eat 3 course meals, including dessert, two nights in a row and still lose weight. I also had ice cream cake, a slice of NY pizza, a Whopper Jr. and 2 mini cinnamon rolls. (Luckily I had Dave to eat the other 4 that came in the 6-pack of the cinnabon bites). I feel a lot better when I choose healthier options, but it's good to know I CAN eat those things if I want to. It's just a little different, now. Instead of a Whopper with cheese, fries and a soda, it's just a Whopper Jr., maybe 1 or 2 (tops) of Dave's fries, and water. (Do not attempt 1-2 fries in your first few weeks of weightloss. Must build discipline first!!) And when someone serves me three courses in a restaurant, I don't feel like I have to clean my plate. I have said good-bye to that uncomfortable too-full feeling.
Eating at Burger King is something that used to ruin my diet. I would just order a combo, eat the whole thing, and maybe even give up on the diet altogether after feeling like I failed. An all-or-nothing attitude is the most dangerous attitude to have while dieting. The best way to succeed, is: 1) don't limit yourself and 2) make better choices. It's difficult in the beginning, but just lowering your portions gradually will make a huge difference. That small piece of ice cream cake tasted good, but the next morning my stomach didn't feel good when I woke up. So when Dave and I drove by our favorite ice cream place today, I wasn't even tempted. When you eat healthier, your body knows the difference.
I want to thank Jo-Ellen and Sarah for working out with me at the gym. I actually owe it to Jo-Ellen that I joined the gym last August, because she talked me into it. I started working out with Tiffany once per week in September, made small changes here and there for several months, and then kicked into high gear in 2010. Also, the CalorieCount.about.com has been an extremely valuable tool, so I want to thank Bob White for introducing me to it via facebook. Also, every person who comments on this blog, or my facebook page, means so much to me and gives me more and more motivation to keep going. I'm also proud to report that I now have 6 blog followers! That is a 100% increase since Jan. 1.
I'm still working on figuring out my end goal. The magic number in my head is 140 pounds because that's the "ideal" weight for my height, and I remembering liking that weight. Somewhere close to that will be great, but I don't want to bow down to an arbitrary number. I also want to build muscle, which is something I've never had before, so I'm not sure where that will fit in. If I'm a muscular 140, I may be too thin for my taste, or my husband's. That is something I think about sometimes, because Dave married a voluptuous woman. I've got a while until I need to worry about that, though. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I'm just concentrating on getting there.
During my workouts with Tiffany, she has me running sprints, running up the stairs, doing jump-squats, all sorts of squats and lunges, push-ups, pull-ups, planks, lifting weights, kettle bells, mountain climbers, etc., etc., etc. I'm learning a lot and getting stronger. Even Dave notices my biceps and triceps popping up. During my solo morning workouts, the hardest part is getting up and suiting up. I still struggle with the temptation of skipping, but I've adopted a "Just do it" attitude and clear my head of all thoughts when that happens. I find that the more I think, the more likely I am to give in to my laziness. So I try not to think as much as possible.
As for my diet, it's the strangest thing. I've noticed that I can eat pretty much whatever I want and still lose weight. Notice I didn't say "as much as" I want. I still count calories and eat mostly healthy food. I set my calorie target for 1600, but I've been averaging 1305 calories a day. Calories can be hard to estimate sometimes, so I try to listen to my body cues over anything else. This last week was challenging foodwise, because I had to eat at least one meal outside the home 5 days out of 7. But I found out that I can eat 3 course meals, including dessert, two nights in a row and still lose weight. I also had ice cream cake, a slice of NY pizza, a Whopper Jr. and 2 mini cinnamon rolls. (Luckily I had Dave to eat the other 4 that came in the 6-pack of the cinnabon bites). I feel a lot better when I choose healthier options, but it's good to know I CAN eat those things if I want to. It's just a little different, now. Instead of a Whopper with cheese, fries and a soda, it's just a Whopper Jr., maybe 1 or 2 (tops) of Dave's fries, and water. (Do not attempt 1-2 fries in your first few weeks of weightloss. Must build discipline first!!) And when someone serves me three courses in a restaurant, I don't feel like I have to clean my plate. I have said good-bye to that uncomfortable too-full feeling.
Eating at Burger King is something that used to ruin my diet. I would just order a combo, eat the whole thing, and maybe even give up on the diet altogether after feeling like I failed. An all-or-nothing attitude is the most dangerous attitude to have while dieting. The best way to succeed, is: 1) don't limit yourself and 2) make better choices. It's difficult in the beginning, but just lowering your portions gradually will make a huge difference. That small piece of ice cream cake tasted good, but the next morning my stomach didn't feel good when I woke up. So when Dave and I drove by our favorite ice cream place today, I wasn't even tempted. When you eat healthier, your body knows the difference.
I want to thank Jo-Ellen and Sarah for working out with me at the gym. I actually owe it to Jo-Ellen that I joined the gym last August, because she talked me into it. I started working out with Tiffany once per week in September, made small changes here and there for several months, and then kicked into high gear in 2010. Also, the CalorieCount.about.com has been an extremely valuable tool, so I want to thank Bob White for introducing me to it via facebook. Also, every person who comments on this blog, or my facebook page, means so much to me and gives me more and more motivation to keep going. I'm also proud to report that I now have 6 blog followers! That is a 100% increase since Jan. 1.
I'm still working on figuring out my end goal. The magic number in my head is 140 pounds because that's the "ideal" weight for my height, and I remembering liking that weight. Somewhere close to that will be great, but I don't want to bow down to an arbitrary number. I also want to build muscle, which is something I've never had before, so I'm not sure where that will fit in. If I'm a muscular 140, I may be too thin for my taste, or my husband's. That is something I think about sometimes, because Dave married a voluptuous woman. I've got a while until I need to worry about that, though. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I'm just concentrating on getting there.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Who You Callin' Obese?
In the U.S., we have become fat desensitized. Since about 1/3 of all Americans are obese, we have a new concept of what normal weight is. And it's technically obese. It is so normal for one to carry around an extra 20-30 pounds without worrying too much about it. Well guess what? Gain 20 more pounds and you're now obese. This may shock you, but you don't have to be that fat to be obese.
When I think of the word obese, I think about certain family members of mine who are more than 500 pounds. That's actually called super obese. (I'm not making this up, BMI over 50, look it up) Or maybe someone around 300 pounds, like my younger sister weighed on her wedding day, but that is considered morbidly obese for someone of my height. The definition of morbidly obese is 2 or more times your ideal body weight.
Growing up in a family full of fat people, I had a different sense of normal. Yeah, I knew they were fat, but I thought they were just plain old overweight. I see a person carrying around 20-30 extra pounds as normal, and a person with 40-80 as overweight, and then maybe around 90-100 or more is obese.....right? Wrong! I might be wrong, but I bet a lot of people think the same way. Maybe only skinny, health nutty people and Europeans actually already know these things I'm saying. Or maybe I'm just learning a little late, because I never thought it applied to me. I used to be really skinny, you know. Just sayin'.
Through it all, I take comfort in knowing that my weight is my fault. It's not my parents' fault, it's not "getting married"'s fault. It's my fault. I actually like figuring out when something is my fault because it also helps me figure out that I have the power to change it. The good thing about accountability is that we can take credit for the good things we do, too! We have a lot to do with the way our lives turn out. We can't control everything, but we control enough.
So, when I talk about being obese, it's not just because it's a super fun way to describe myself. I do it because it's the cold, hard truth. Sure, I only have 6 more pounds to lose before I'm not clinically obese anymore (Go me!), but in the meantime I'm still obese and I'm soaking in this feeling. But don't go thinking I'm gonna be posing for any of those graphic postcards of really huge ladies in thongs. I'm probably not as fat as you think.
When I think of the word obese, I think about certain family members of mine who are more than 500 pounds. That's actually called super obese. (I'm not making this up, BMI over 50, look it up) Or maybe someone around 300 pounds, like my younger sister weighed on her wedding day, but that is considered morbidly obese for someone of my height. The definition of morbidly obese is 2 or more times your ideal body weight.
Growing up in a family full of fat people, I had a different sense of normal. Yeah, I knew they were fat, but I thought they were just plain old overweight. I see a person carrying around 20-30 extra pounds as normal, and a person with 40-80 as overweight, and then maybe around 90-100 or more is obese.....right? Wrong! I might be wrong, but I bet a lot of people think the same way. Maybe only skinny, health nutty people and Europeans actually already know these things I'm saying. Or maybe I'm just learning a little late, because I never thought it applied to me. I used to be really skinny, you know. Just sayin'.
Through it all, I take comfort in knowing that my weight is my fault. It's not my parents' fault, it's not "getting married"'s fault. It's my fault. I actually like figuring out when something is my fault because it also helps me figure out that I have the power to change it. The good thing about accountability is that we can take credit for the good things we do, too! We have a lot to do with the way our lives turn out. We can't control everything, but we control enough.
So, when I talk about being obese, it's not just because it's a super fun way to describe myself. I do it because it's the cold, hard truth. Sure, I only have 6 more pounds to lose before I'm not clinically obese anymore (Go me!), but in the meantime I'm still obese and I'm soaking in this feeling. But don't go thinking I'm gonna be posing for any of those graphic postcards of really huge ladies in thongs. I'm probably not as fat as you think.
Monday, January 18, 2010
I Have a Dream...with my apologies to Dr. King
I can't remember if it was 2003 or 2004, but I woke up on MLK day in NYC and told my friend Sarah, "I had a dream". She gave me one of those looks reserved for only the dumbest of jokes. I was confused for a minute until I realized what day it was. That year MLK day was, for me, a convenient weekend to take a vacation.
Fast forward 6 or 7 years, and here I am, still dreaming. Of course my dreams are different than they were back then, many of the old ones having already come to fruition just beautifully. Aaaannnd, there are also some new "developments" that I now need to dream and mobilize my way back out of, preferably in a non-violent fashion. Okay, let's just be frank. I got fat, ya'll! That's not to say that losing weight is my biggest or most altuistic dream, it just happens to be what this particular post is about. And I don't have a lot of other problems at the moment. (See other posts re: Wal-Mart, Coupons, etc.)
If a civil rights activist ever reads this, let me apologize right now. As I'm writing this, I have exactly 3 followers and they know how seriously I take civil rights for all people. So I hope nobody gets offended that I, too, am inspired by Dr. King. Even as a white, college-educated woman, from a middle-class, two-parent household, he speaks to me. And from his grave, he directs me to follow my dreams, large and small. This particular one may seem small in light of real problems in the world (see Haiti), but in America, obesity is huge. Pun intended? You betcha! And if Dr. King can be an icon and a legacy of civil rights, surely I can lose a few pounds. Okay, more than a few.
Have you ever done anything wrong that you just couldn't stop? It is the worst type of feeling to be out of control. Mainly, because you don't realize that you've lost control until way too late. And when you realize that you have to give something up, you go through all the stages of grief backwards and forwards until finally.....Acceptance. And if that's not bad enough, you start the process all over again the minute you hit a bump in the road on your way to recovery. Excuses!! If-onlys!! It's different for me because ___ (fill in the blank). It's the same story no matter what you're trying to quit. The truth is, it's not different for me. I don't believe I'm a food addict, per se. There are definitely differences to my problem, but there are also many similarities. How many times have I puzzled over how someone could do something so stupid as to drink and drive, or inject a drug into their veins. Well? Those same people probably don't understand why I let my ass get so big. It's not as socially acceptable to wrestle a cannoli out of somebody's hand, they way others might do with car keys.
I've been scared of being fat my whole life, and it seemed predestined. I began yo-yo dieting somewhere around age 10 or 12. I was skinny then, but would routinely get up at 6am for Mousercize on the Disney Channel, or dig through my mother's exercise tapes on VHS. Sometimes I would do sit-ups in bed instead of going to sleep. I just knew that I was going to be overweight one day, and at that age, that was my solution. Just a few years ago, I asked my physician for help. Since my BMI was 24, she wouldn't help me. Even though I was 20 pounds overweight, I wouldn't be clinically overweight until my BMI was 25, nevermind that I was trying to avoid that. She told me to eat right and exercise. Well duh! I didn't need to be told what to do, I needed to be told HOW to do it. It sounds dumb, but I really couldn't figure it out! It really is like those commercials about relearning to do things without smoking. Part of our brain is malfunctioning and we can't do what we know we need to do. Well here I am now with a BMI of 31.3, clinically obese. (Check your BMI here) Was it bad genes, or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or better yet: Was it programmed into me unwittingly by my parents in a perpetual cycle of low self-esteem and unhealthy relationships with food? Ding, ding, ding!!! But that's another post all in itself. And incidentally, it's waaayyy beside the point because I take full responsibility for every glorious cannoli in my adult life. They all meant something to me. :)
What's crazy is that, like many of my failures in life ,(posts on relationships soon!!), it took a very long time to realize that I have to do something. Big. Now. I just think we all have these images of ourselves that are hard to overcome. For most of my life, I've been in a healthy weight range, so I still feel like a normal sized person. You know how anorexics think they're fat? Well, I think I'm thin! It's not until I go shopping for pants, or someone tags a photo of me on facebook that I remember. And It has been very convenient living in Maryland, where my old friends can't see me, and my new friends don't know the difference. Even I was alarmed when I stepped on a scale in August for the first time since before my wedding. "Ouch!", said the scale. I just sit here and shake my head because never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this.
So here it is, January 18th, 2010. MLK Day. I don't know how many diets and exercise programs I've began and quit in my 31 years, most of them not even necessary. This one is necessary. I can't be obese. I don't want to have heart problems, thyroid problems, diabetes, etc. and pass these habits on to my children. And I'm just not made to shop in stores where all the jeans are made with stretchy material. (They're so awful!). So I apologize in advance that I am sure to have a long series of posts about my weightloss journey. I will try to pepper in some posts that the skinny-minis will find interesting, too. To be honest, it's difficult to even post this at all, since it's something I consider to be nobody's business. And I'm not thrilled about airing my inner-most thoughts about being fat to everyone on facebook, but I need the outlet. I need the support. I need to prepare for the day when I'm not motivated. This first two weeks and 7.4 pounds lost has been easy, but it won't last. Disappointment, frustration and tears are most certainly on the horizon, and I need to be ready. I need to have a plan so that I can wake up everyday believing in my dream, and believing in myself that I can overcome.
Fast forward 6 or 7 years, and here I am, still dreaming. Of course my dreams are different than they were back then, many of the old ones having already come to fruition just beautifully. Aaaannnd, there are also some new "developments" that I now need to dream and mobilize my way back out of, preferably in a non-violent fashion. Okay, let's just be frank. I got fat, ya'll! That's not to say that losing weight is my biggest or most altuistic dream, it just happens to be what this particular post is about. And I don't have a lot of other problems at the moment. (See other posts re: Wal-Mart, Coupons, etc.)
If a civil rights activist ever reads this, let me apologize right now. As I'm writing this, I have exactly 3 followers and they know how seriously I take civil rights for all people. So I hope nobody gets offended that I, too, am inspired by Dr. King. Even as a white, college-educated woman, from a middle-class, two-parent household, he speaks to me. And from his grave, he directs me to follow my dreams, large and small. This particular one may seem small in light of real problems in the world (see Haiti), but in America, obesity is huge. Pun intended? You betcha! And if Dr. King can be an icon and a legacy of civil rights, surely I can lose a few pounds. Okay, more than a few.
Have you ever done anything wrong that you just couldn't stop? It is the worst type of feeling to be out of control. Mainly, because you don't realize that you've lost control until way too late. And when you realize that you have to give something up, you go through all the stages of grief backwards and forwards until finally.....Acceptance. And if that's not bad enough, you start the process all over again the minute you hit a bump in the road on your way to recovery. Excuses!! If-onlys!! It's different for me because ___ (fill in the blank). It's the same story no matter what you're trying to quit. The truth is, it's not different for me. I don't believe I'm a food addict, per se. There are definitely differences to my problem, but there are also many similarities. How many times have I puzzled over how someone could do something so stupid as to drink and drive, or inject a drug into their veins. Well? Those same people probably don't understand why I let my ass get so big. It's not as socially acceptable to wrestle a cannoli out of somebody's hand, they way others might do with car keys.
I've been scared of being fat my whole life, and it seemed predestined. I began yo-yo dieting somewhere around age 10 or 12. I was skinny then, but would routinely get up at 6am for Mousercize on the Disney Channel, or dig through my mother's exercise tapes on VHS. Sometimes I would do sit-ups in bed instead of going to sleep. I just knew that I was going to be overweight one day, and at that age, that was my solution. Just a few years ago, I asked my physician for help. Since my BMI was 24, she wouldn't help me. Even though I was 20 pounds overweight, I wouldn't be clinically overweight until my BMI was 25, nevermind that I was trying to avoid that. She told me to eat right and exercise. Well duh! I didn't need to be told what to do, I needed to be told HOW to do it. It sounds dumb, but I really couldn't figure it out! It really is like those commercials about relearning to do things without smoking. Part of our brain is malfunctioning and we can't do what we know we need to do. Well here I am now with a BMI of 31.3, clinically obese. (Check your BMI here) Was it bad genes, or a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or better yet: Was it programmed into me unwittingly by my parents in a perpetual cycle of low self-esteem and unhealthy relationships with food? Ding, ding, ding!!! But that's another post all in itself. And incidentally, it's waaayyy beside the point because I take full responsibility for every glorious cannoli in my adult life. They all meant something to me. :)
What's crazy is that, like many of my failures in life ,(posts on relationships soon!!), it took a very long time to realize that I have to do something. Big. Now. I just think we all have these images of ourselves that are hard to overcome. For most of my life, I've been in a healthy weight range, so I still feel like a normal sized person. You know how anorexics think they're fat? Well, I think I'm thin! It's not until I go shopping for pants, or someone tags a photo of me on facebook that I remember. And It has been very convenient living in Maryland, where my old friends can't see me, and my new friends don't know the difference. Even I was alarmed when I stepped on a scale in August for the first time since before my wedding. "Ouch!", said the scale. I just sit here and shake my head because never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this.
So here it is, January 18th, 2010. MLK Day. I don't know how many diets and exercise programs I've began and quit in my 31 years, most of them not even necessary. This one is necessary. I can't be obese. I don't want to have heart problems, thyroid problems, diabetes, etc. and pass these habits on to my children. And I'm just not made to shop in stores where all the jeans are made with stretchy material. (They're so awful!). So I apologize in advance that I am sure to have a long series of posts about my weightloss journey. I will try to pepper in some posts that the skinny-minis will find interesting, too. To be honest, it's difficult to even post this at all, since it's something I consider to be nobody's business. And I'm not thrilled about airing my inner-most thoughts about being fat to everyone on facebook, but I need the outlet. I need the support. I need to prepare for the day when I'm not motivated. This first two weeks and 7.4 pounds lost has been easy, but it won't last. Disappointment, frustration and tears are most certainly on the horizon, and I need to be ready. I need to have a plan so that I can wake up everyday believing in my dream, and believing in myself that I can overcome.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wal-Mart
This may surprise you, but I'm not against Wal-Mart, per se. I just don't like shopping there. I avoid it when I can, but there is one product that I can only get there at the moment, which is Newman's Own Organic canned cat food.
This mania of mine started back when all these pet foods were killing our pets, so I decided to look into higher quality products, to lessen the chances I would poison my lovies. My own research, along with a wonderful article sent to me by my lovely friend Christina, lead me to Newman's Own brand. I buy the dry food, too, but I have to get that at another store across town. Somehow I manage. One more thing about Newman's Own: they donate all their profits to charity. I buy that product whenever I can.
Back to the subject of Wal-Mart. I can't believe the prices there! I get so excited when other stores have cake mixes on sale for $1, or even $0.89. Do you know that right now they have cake mixes AND Stove Top stuffing for $0.78?? No, I didn't buy any. I was duped into purchasing Stove Top for $0.99 this weekend at my favorite grocery store, Wegman's. I thought I was getting a deal, since I had recently bought some for $2.33 when it wasn't on sale. Stove Top is something I only buy when I have a craving, like once a year. I probably wouldn't have bought it again if it wasn't on sale. And I bought like 4, too. I'm still learning about this deal stuff. I've never before even noticed prices, so it's a weird feeling to actually remember that stuff. I don't even look at gas prices, unless it's like $4.
There was something curious I noticed about the Stove Top. There were a few of the chicken variety, and then a ton of the cranberry variety. The cranberry variety you ask?? Yeah, no doubt a weird over-production that didn't sell and ended up on the shelves here.
Then, I noticed almost every can of the Newman's Own cat food was dented. Huh.
I managed to get out of the store with 10 cans of cat food and 4 jars of peanuts, Planter's with sea salt. Those peanuts might last Dave 2 weeks. Might. As I'm waiting to be rung up, I started feeling very strange about loading up on only cat food and peanuts. On top of that, I'm wearing a mis-matched sweatsuit and looking very homely after a rough gym workout. (I justify going shopping like that because I don't know a lot of people here, and the chances of being recognized is nil. Okay, I also think it lessens my chances of being raped. I know I have problems. You don't have to say anything to me about it). So, feeling self-conscious about my crazy spinsteresque purchases and appearance, I start up a conversation about the cat food with the 20-something young man cashier. "Did you know I can't get this brand of cat food anywhere but here? My cats love it!" O.M.G. That so did not help me feel better. I wanted out of there so fast.
I have the worst experiences at Wal-Mart. And I'm on to their Big Lots style reject products.
This mania of mine started back when all these pet foods were killing our pets, so I decided to look into higher quality products, to lessen the chances I would poison my lovies. My own research, along with a wonderful article sent to me by my lovely friend Christina, lead me to Newman's Own brand. I buy the dry food, too, but I have to get that at another store across town. Somehow I manage. One more thing about Newman's Own: they donate all their profits to charity. I buy that product whenever I can.
Back to the subject of Wal-Mart. I can't believe the prices there! I get so excited when other stores have cake mixes on sale for $1, or even $0.89. Do you know that right now they have cake mixes AND Stove Top stuffing for $0.78?? No, I didn't buy any. I was duped into purchasing Stove Top for $0.99 this weekend at my favorite grocery store, Wegman's. I thought I was getting a deal, since I had recently bought some for $2.33 when it wasn't on sale. Stove Top is something I only buy when I have a craving, like once a year. I probably wouldn't have bought it again if it wasn't on sale. And I bought like 4, too. I'm still learning about this deal stuff. I've never before even noticed prices, so it's a weird feeling to actually remember that stuff. I don't even look at gas prices, unless it's like $4.
There was something curious I noticed about the Stove Top. There were a few of the chicken variety, and then a ton of the cranberry variety. The cranberry variety you ask?? Yeah, no doubt a weird over-production that didn't sell and ended up on the shelves here.
Then, I noticed almost every can of the Newman's Own cat food was dented. Huh.
I managed to get out of the store with 10 cans of cat food and 4 jars of peanuts, Planter's with sea salt. Those peanuts might last Dave 2 weeks. Might. As I'm waiting to be rung up, I started feeling very strange about loading up on only cat food and peanuts. On top of that, I'm wearing a mis-matched sweatsuit and looking very homely after a rough gym workout. (I justify going shopping like that because I don't know a lot of people here, and the chances of being recognized is nil. Okay, I also think it lessens my chances of being raped. I know I have problems. You don't have to say anything to me about it). So, feeling self-conscious about my crazy spinsteresque purchases and appearance, I start up a conversation about the cat food with the 20-something young man cashier. "Did you know I can't get this brand of cat food anywhere but here? My cats love it!" O.M.G. That so did not help me feel better. I wanted out of there so fast.
I have the worst experiences at Wal-Mart. And I'm on to their Big Lots style reject products.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I Just Love Getting a Deal!
I don't know if it's this whole economic crisis or what, but lately I have become like a giddy schoolgirl whenever I get a good deal. I've even started clipping, AND USING, coupons! What??? Those things are such a hassle, but they can definitely add up and give me a high that will last at least an evening, maybe even days! In general, the length of the high is proportional to how good a deal I got.
Take today for example. I went to a grocery store called Giant and I loaded up my cart with tons of items. The regular price for everything would've been $130. Now I know that nobody pays regular price. No doubt at least SOMETHING you buy will be on sale. But I walked out of there for about $68. That's almost half price! Even with a few coupons, I would normally expect about a $20 discount, not $62. Here's how I did it:
1. I clipped coupons from the paper on things that I definitely use, or might reasonably use.
2. I buy mostly things that are on sale already at the store
3. I then use a coupon for those already on sale items
4. And then use the store's coupon-doubling policy...which is something worth learning!
Was it a hassle? Most definitely! But to me it was worth it for some reason. True story: I got a little flustered while checking out and had to have the cashier suspend my order because all the coupons had me confused. I must've had about a dozen. And there were a few items I forgot because the coupon necessitated I purchase 2. (I'm a new coupon user and not accustomed to all the rules). So I left to grab my remaining items. When I was ready to re-check out, I noticed that my "$1 coupon doublers" were missing! Why me?? Do you know that I, figuring they blew out of the cart during my speed-shopping, searched every aisle looking for the missing coupons? And can you believe I found them? I was overjoyed. That probably saved me at least $3. I'm easy to please. Alright, I'm also neurotic. Dave gets a kick out of how excited I get while performing my bargain show-and-tell. Course he could care less how much I spend...just as long as the food keeps coming.
Take today for example. I went to a grocery store called Giant and I loaded up my cart with tons of items. The regular price for everything would've been $130. Now I know that nobody pays regular price. No doubt at least SOMETHING you buy will be on sale. But I walked out of there for about $68. That's almost half price! Even with a few coupons, I would normally expect about a $20 discount, not $62. Here's how I did it:
1. I clipped coupons from the paper on things that I definitely use, or might reasonably use.
2. I buy mostly things that are on sale already at the store
3. I then use a coupon for those already on sale items
4. And then use the store's coupon-doubling policy...which is something worth learning!
Was it a hassle? Most definitely! But to me it was worth it for some reason. True story: I got a little flustered while checking out and had to have the cashier suspend my order because all the coupons had me confused. I must've had about a dozen. And there were a few items I forgot because the coupon necessitated I purchase 2. (I'm a new coupon user and not accustomed to all the rules). So I left to grab my remaining items. When I was ready to re-check out, I noticed that my "$1 coupon doublers" were missing! Why me?? Do you know that I, figuring they blew out of the cart during my speed-shopping, searched every aisle looking for the missing coupons? And can you believe I found them? I was overjoyed. That probably saved me at least $3. I'm easy to please. Alright, I'm also neurotic. Dave gets a kick out of how excited I get while performing my bargain show-and-tell. Course he could care less how much I spend...just as long as the food keeps coming.
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