Today I made a new type of quiche and all I could think about was how much Doreen would've liked it and how sad I was that she would never taste it. I loved when she would come to Baltimore to visit me. I would plan meals in advance and I'd always ask for her input on what to make for her and the girls. I loved that she enjoyed my cooking and had her favorite dishes. She would request some different things each time, but she always requested my quiche. Today I made one with a homemade hash brown (not the frozen ones) crust. I was quite pleased with the way it turned out. I will make it again and tweak it a little each time until I've perfected it. That's the way I roll with all my favorite recipes. But she will never eat it and that is painful to me. I'd like to name it Quiche Doreen but I will never know if she would prefer the hash brown crust or the flakey tart crust I usually make.
Everytime something new happens it will be bittersweet because Doreen won't be there to see it, try it, make fun of it or talk about it on the phone.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sometimes I Really Hate That Life Goes On...
Somedays I can't stand that people post status updates on facebook saying how great their day was or how they can't wait for this weekend because it will be the best ever. Didn't they just see that my sister died? How dare they have a happy birthday or enjoy a night out. My world came to a screeching halt and theirs just goes on like it always did.
At other times it's comforting.
Benjamin needs me to get up and take care of him. He needs to be fed, clothed, bathed and played with all day. Dave can't do it all. Taking care of Benjamin makes me happy because if you've ever seen him, you know it's impossible not to smile around him. He helps me wade through my grief because he forces me to get up and have a purpose every day. Without him, I imagine it would take so much longer to make peace with my grief because I'd just stay in bed all day and cry.
Seeing those posts on facebook also gives me hope that I will soon be back to posting the good things in my life and that one day I will be truly excited about something again.
At other times it's comforting.
Benjamin needs me to get up and take care of him. He needs to be fed, clothed, bathed and played with all day. Dave can't do it all. Taking care of Benjamin makes me happy because if you've ever seen him, you know it's impossible not to smile around him. He helps me wade through my grief because he forces me to get up and have a purpose every day. Without him, I imagine it would take so much longer to make peace with my grief because I'd just stay in bed all day and cry.
Seeing those posts on facebook also gives me hope that I will soon be back to posting the good things in my life and that one day I will be truly excited about something again.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
March 14th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
When I graduated from the University of Michigan with a bachelors degree in chemistry, my graduate student mentor, Andrea Frost, gave me a coffee mug as a gift. It was a beautiful blue mug with the university seal engraved in it. I liked the mug very much and I always drank from it. I had it for over 10 years!
Just the other day I was telling your Grandma Gigi all about the mug, how I got it, and how much I treasured it. The very next day I broke it. Can you believe my luck? I was making tea in it. As I squeezed the extra tea from the tea bag, the string broke and my hand flew into the mug, knocking it to the ground. What a mess! The mug shattered, sending shards and hot tea across the floor. Gigi ran for the broom while I picked up the big pieces and mopped up the tea. I swept up the smaller pieces and within 5 minutes, when the whole mess was cleared, I began a new cup of tea. I felt a twinge of disappointment, but quickly decided not to let it upset me.
Why am I telling you this? The point is that things break. Don't put too much stock into things. It's okay to like something, but if it breaks, you'll do best to simply pick up the pieces and move on.
You are my real treasure,
Mom
When I graduated from the University of Michigan with a bachelors degree in chemistry, my graduate student mentor, Andrea Frost, gave me a coffee mug as a gift. It was a beautiful blue mug with the university seal engraved in it. I liked the mug very much and I always drank from it. I had it for over 10 years!
Just the other day I was telling your Grandma Gigi all about the mug, how I got it, and how much I treasured it. The very next day I broke it. Can you believe my luck? I was making tea in it. As I squeezed the extra tea from the tea bag, the string broke and my hand flew into the mug, knocking it to the ground. What a mess! The mug shattered, sending shards and hot tea across the floor. Gigi ran for the broom while I picked up the big pieces and mopped up the tea. I swept up the smaller pieces and within 5 minutes, when the whole mess was cleared, I began a new cup of tea. I felt a twinge of disappointment, but quickly decided not to let it upset me.
Why am I telling you this? The point is that things break. Don't put too much stock into things. It's okay to like something, but if it breaks, you'll do best to simply pick up the pieces and move on.
You are my real treasure,
Mom
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feb 14th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
Thanks so much for the Valentine and box of chocolates. I must say I was very impressed to receive it. You are only three months old and already a very thoughtful son. How did you get the money to buy it? Nevermind, that's a rude question. I'm just thankful to receive it. I know it wasn't from your father because we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It just seems silly to us. If you celebrate love all year long, Valentine's Day becomes redundant.
XOXO,
Mom
Thanks so much for the Valentine and box of chocolates. I must say I was very impressed to receive it. You are only three months old and already a very thoughtful son. How did you get the money to buy it? Nevermind, that's a rude question. I'm just thankful to receive it. I know it wasn't from your father because we don't celebrate Valentine's Day. It just seems silly to us. If you celebrate love all year long, Valentine's Day becomes redundant.
XOXO,
Mom
Feb 16th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
I found a woman today whose baby needs more milk than she can make. Since I make plenty for you, I volunteered to pump an extra bottle or two a day to give to her. I hope you don't mind sharing your milk. Breastmilk is a priceless gift that mothers give their children. Unfortunately, not every woman has an easy time with breastfeeding. I've been blessed with more milk than you can drink. And I believe when you are blessed with a special gift, you should use it to bless others. Your life will be richer if you give of yourself to others, and the world will be a better place for your kindness.
Love you bunches,
Mom
I found a woman today whose baby needs more milk than she can make. Since I make plenty for you, I volunteered to pump an extra bottle or two a day to give to her. I hope you don't mind sharing your milk. Breastmilk is a priceless gift that mothers give their children. Unfortunately, not every woman has an easy time with breastfeeding. I've been blessed with more milk than you can drink. And I believe when you are blessed with a special gift, you should use it to bless others. Your life will be richer if you give of yourself to others, and the world will be a better place for your kindness.
Love you bunches,
Mom
Monday, February 14, 2011
Feb 15th, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
You are so stinkin' cute. It's unreal. Your smile is so big and bright - it cracks me up. You've started to laugh now and it melts everyone's heart. Your Grandma Gigi has gotten so many awesome pictures of you. I haven't even taken any this month because she has taken so many that I don't need to. She is staying with us this month so that I can return to work and not have to leave you with a babysitter. You are so blessed to have her. She loves you so much and will be heartbroken when she has to go back to Michigan in two weeks. I imagine she's going to be visiting Baltimore a whole lot. Sometimes she's a little spastic and you get fussy because you just want some peace and quiet--so I'm sorry I don't always save you. She just loves you so much that I let her hold you as much as she wants. She's doing way more good than harm and she always figures out what you want eventually. She tirelessly walks you around the house, sings songs, and acts silly just to make you smile. You bring us all such joy. It seems like our whole goal in life these days is just to make you smile.
Love you so much,
Mom
You are so stinkin' cute. It's unreal. Your smile is so big and bright - it cracks me up. You've started to laugh now and it melts everyone's heart. Your Grandma Gigi has gotten so many awesome pictures of you. I haven't even taken any this month because she has taken so many that I don't need to. She is staying with us this month so that I can return to work and not have to leave you with a babysitter. You are so blessed to have her. She loves you so much and will be heartbroken when she has to go back to Michigan in two weeks. I imagine she's going to be visiting Baltimore a whole lot. Sometimes she's a little spastic and you get fussy because you just want some peace and quiet--so I'm sorry I don't always save you. She just loves you so much that I let her hold you as much as she wants. She's doing way more good than harm and she always figures out what you want eventually. She tirelessly walks you around the house, sings songs, and acts silly just to make you smile. You bring us all such joy. It seems like our whole goal in life these days is just to make you smile.
Love you so much,
Mom
Feb 13, 2011
Dear Benjamin,
Last night, while rocking you to sleep in your nursery, I broke down in tears thinking of all the children in this world who will never know the safe, warm and loving home that you have. All children deserve to be loved, and I feel so incredibly helpless to know that many of them are being mistreated and I can't stop it. Some day I'm going to have to warn you about people who hurt children, and teach you not to talk to strangers. But not yet. Right now things are just so simple and perfect. Your needs are so basic and I can provide them all. Your father is a little jealous of me because at this stage of your life, you need me the most. That will change very soon, but for now I'm loving it.
My protective mothering instincts have really shocked me, by the way. I have gone from being a virtual pacifist to feeling like I could rip someone's head off if they even tried to hurt you. It's pretty incredible, but maybe in some crazy way my mind believes if I protect you a whole bunch, it's like I'm protecting those other children as well. How am I ever going to teach you how to be a man when I don't even want to let you leave the house without me? I guess I have some time to figure that out.
All my love,
Mom
Last night, while rocking you to sleep in your nursery, I broke down in tears thinking of all the children in this world who will never know the safe, warm and loving home that you have. All children deserve to be loved, and I feel so incredibly helpless to know that many of them are being mistreated and I can't stop it. Some day I'm going to have to warn you about people who hurt children, and teach you not to talk to strangers. But not yet. Right now things are just so simple and perfect. Your needs are so basic and I can provide them all. Your father is a little jealous of me because at this stage of your life, you need me the most. That will change very soon, but for now I'm loving it.
My protective mothering instincts have really shocked me, by the way. I have gone from being a virtual pacifist to feeling like I could rip someone's head off if they even tried to hurt you. It's pretty incredible, but maybe in some crazy way my mind believes if I protect you a whole bunch, it's like I'm protecting those other children as well. How am I ever going to teach you how to be a man when I don't even want to let you leave the house without me? I guess I have some time to figure that out.
All my love,
Mom
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